Pieces of a Puzzle

Have you ever taken a section of a puzzle and worked on it outside of the bigger puzzle? When you get the small section completed, you pick it up ever so gently, or you slide it across the table and place it into its final resting place in the puzzle. When you pick it up the pieces bend and shift, and if you’re lucky, you can get them into their new resting place without the pieces falling apart.

Today, I feel like a section of a puzzle.

I am holding myself together, but I am breaking. My sections are coming apart. I fear that in the near future my pieces will come apart. I fear that when they come apart, the edges will bend and chip, and they won’t ever fit back together.

The hands that hold me right now are polar opposites. I have hands that hold me with the intention of breaking me, and I have hands that hold me with the intention of putting me back together. I have people in my life who don’t speak my love language and who have no desire to ever speak it. I also have people in my life who do speak my love language – and speak it very well. Both are equally as difficult at this point. For so long, I have desired for someone to learn my love language and speak it to me and when it didn’t happen, my heart closed off.

Now that I have sweet friends who speak my love language to me, I don’t know how to take it in. It overwhelms my heart.

It scares me.



Buckets of Dreams

When your life shifts, you start to think about all of the things you’ve always wanted to do, but have never done. This is where I am at in my life. Inspired by my new position in life and a series I recently watched on Netflix, I have come up with my list of things I want to do in my lifetime. This list will be ever-changing and always growing.

1. See all 50 states (only 6 to go).

2. Learn to trust in humans by first learning to trust in God.

3. Visit Greece

4. Visit Italy

5. Visit Ireland

6. Visit Bali

7. Visit Fiji

8. Find my passion and live it

9. Be financially free

10. Teach my children to love without strings

11. Live minimalistically

12. To love and be loved.

13. Visit Central Park

14. See a concert at Red Rocks Amphitheater

15. Ride a motorcycle

16. Ride in a hot air balloon

17. Take a road trip across the U.S.

18. Make my health and fitness a priority

19. Learn a second language

Battle Scars

My walls were strong, ready for a siege.

But you still got in.

Like a trojan horse, you walked in making me believe you were something you weren’t.

Once inside, you removed your shell and burned my city to the ground.

I’m standing in the rubble, battle wounds for all to see.

You put my pain on display for all the world to see.

I am a warrior, but I am laying down my sword.

I will cover up my wounds, hide them all away.

My walls will be higher, stronger – no one will get in.

And my city will be safe.

One/80 Day 2

I woke up this morning with a new resolve for the days to come. Last night before bed, I focused on the goals I had set for myself and really took the time to see how I can make those goals become reality. My life is stressful right now and in times of stress, I have typically turned to food. In the last few days/weeks, I have been focusing on turning to God.

When I feel overwhelmed and I want to eat my feelings, or crawl in a hole and never come out, I pray. I seek the holy spirit in my life and ask that he cast out all anxiety and fear and replace it with comfort and trust. A trust without borders.

Today, when I woke up I felt the holy spirit around me like I haven’t felt in a long time. It was so refreshing and peaceful. I sat in bed for a few minutes longer than I should have just to have that feeling permeate me a little more.

And because I am a visual learner, I am seeking things to post up in my space that will remind me to focus on my fitness, health, and spiritual goals. Can someone say summer abs, here I come?  So, with that in mind, I set my goals for this day.

My goals for today are to get in cardio and strength training and to focus on the meals that I am eating… no mindless eating, even if it’s healthy foods. Mindful. That’s my word for today.

P.S. I hit a new weight goal AND I saw definition in my arms this morning in the mirror. Today is a good day, loves. Today is a good day.

One/80 Day 1

Today marks day 1 of an 80 day journey to improve my life. As I sat and looked at my guide for this journey, I was prompted to think of short term and long term goals. Now, I am assuming this was supposed to be geared toward health and fitness, however, I want to take it beyond that. So, here are my goals for my 80 days, and specifically today.

Daily Goal:

To take this day one meal and one moment at a time.

Short Term Goals (days 1-10):

In terms of fitness/nutrition I want to set a goal of 30 mins of fitness activity daily. I also want to set a goal to dive into the word of God each day – whether that simply be reflecting on a verse each day from the Bible, reading an entire chapter, etc. I want to do something each day.

Long Term Goals:

I would like to lose 40 pounds, but more importantly I want to feel good about the way I look. I also want to open my heart to the holy spirit and be more in tune to where the Holy Spirit is leading me.

Out of the Ashes

As a child, trauma and tragedy were prevalent in my life. I knew, even in my child’s mind, that I would one day be used by God. I have no doubt that God allowed me to experience that pain so that I could be used for him and for his purpose.

Since childhood though, I have struggled with what that looks like. I have asked God to show me how I will use my story. How can I share my story without sounding like a victim? How can I share my story and reflect that only by God’s grace am I still alive and where I am today?

I don’t yet know how God will use this story; maybe he will only ever use it to grow and change my own heart, and that’s okay. But, I know that with pain comes purpose. “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.” Isaiah 66:9 Maybe, I will be the only new thing to come from the pain that I have experienced in my life. Maybe, this pain happened so I could learn to be forgiving, so I could learn not to live in my painful moments, and so I could teach my children how to handle pain. Maybe this pain happened to teach me how to love.

I know not what comes for my future. I know not if I will ever love or be loved again… I know I want that, but I don’t know if God has purposed that for my life. What I do know is that regardless of what comes for me, I will be okay. I will rise out of the ashes and I will be new.

“He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair.” Isaiah 61:3


Resurrection Day

Three days. In three days, a broken body was resurrected to completeness and perfection. In three days, my savior went from a man walking this Earth to a king reigning in Heaven.

The dictionary describes resurrection as a revitalization. I love this idea. Today, I prayed for the pain that has settled in my heart. I prayed for a resurrection of my own. It’s funny how in the last year how my pain has changed.

I have moved from feeling pain for a loss and pain for my own broken heart to pain for what will be for my sweet babies. I have searched my soul for what it is that God is asking me to learn through this process and I have found that He is asking me to draw closer to him.

I think my resurrection will come in the form of my relationship with Jesus. I know that I have laid my life at the cross, but I think somewhere along the way in the last few years I have become weary. The last few months have been a growing process for me, and I have been finding out how to fall so deeply in love with Christ that my soul is 100% dependent upon him.

I don’t think I am all the way there yet, but I am well on my way. My resurrection is coming.

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

Love is not fear. Perfect love casts out fear. I have perfect love in my relationship with Jesus, and in times like tonight that’s the only thing that gets me through.

Fear is paralyzing, but I am strongest when I am scared. I’ve learned to be. I felt that veneer wash over me – the one that guards my heart. That veneer that pushes everyone away. It tells me no one is safe. It pulls my bubble in tighter and makes me question everyone outside of it. It tells me that no one will keep my heart safe. It shuts me down and turns my heart to stone.

It tells me I am not enough. It tells me I deserve to be scared. It tells me no one loves me.

I am scared. I am alone. Will I ever be enough?

I dream of a love that doesn’t make me afraid.

Fear is exhausting, and I am weary.

Jesus, save me.

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