Change hurts. Sometimes, you make all the right decisions and your heart still breaks. Sometimes, people don’t see your reasons, or don’t care to understand them. Sometimes, life hurts.
When I’m in the messiest parts of my life, I do things that are irrational. I say things that I think will push people away because I have this inner fear that eventually, they will leave anyway. Very few people do I let have the hurting parts of myself. I can literally count on one hand the number of people who have been privy to those moments outside of my parents and my brother. It’s a big deal for me to let someone have that part of me.
Why? Because being vulnerable gives someone else the chance to hurt you. So rather than being vulnerable, I use humor and I deflect. I wait to see who will push past that and stay.
The thing about me though, once I decide that I can trust someone, I trust them. I say what my brain thinks, I expose those private/quiet sides of my soul, and I smother them with my love.
And the more stressful and painful my life gets, the more I push away from feeling emotions. Sometimes, those feelings feel suffocating – almost like feeling them is going to drown me.
The last three days have been hard. I feel like I’m drowning. My anxiety is in full effect, and it tells me everyone hates me… because one person said they did.
Change is hard and it hurts.
But, I lean on the promise that God is unchanging. That even if I push away, he remains.
As much as the emotional side of me craves a human to exist in this life with, I know that existing in this life with God is enough. And if and until He sets that person in front of me, I let Him work on healing my heart.
Change hurts, but God heals.